I went sober

Tw: alcohol abuse, sexual assault and disordered eating

 

I will preface this responsibly by saying that I am not qualified to provide any health advice, this is not a researched write-up, this is purely auto-biographical, and debatably anecdotal, however I do not think I am unique and so I think you’ll find this relevant to you too.

 

March 2023 I was working in London. I was the first employee at a legal tech start-up, I had shares, I was on a career path that would have been the envy of younger me, or of myself in an alternate reality had I stayed in Cape Town. It was amazing until it wasn’t. I have never been someone who has handled stress well, combine that with the confusion of being young and it’s easy for you to pass up on basic self-care, self-awareness and health before you’ve even realised what you are doing. I guess this happened to me, and honestly, not for the first time and I am sure not the last time either. Throughout my life I have been plagued with various degrees of anxiety and circumstantial depression. Throughout my life these periods have been laced with a nausea causing an inability to eat as much as I need to in order to stay healthy and a desire to distract myself from the feeling by being productive. I don’t think this is an unusual coping strategy, but I do think it is very unhealthy and has consequences on your mind and on your body. The trouble is that it’s very difficult to identify because part of this coping mechanism results in a high functioning individual.

 

So here I was back at that familiar dark place again, the familiarity was comforting even. I woke up every morning, crying. I was so anxious I couldn’t handle coffee, which for a short period had acted as my meal replacement for breakfast and lunch. So instead, now I found myself raw dogging the beginning of my workday entirely. I wasn’t eating well or often, and the less I ate and the longer I waited to eat, the more nauseous I became and the harder it became to eat. Eventually out of shear necessity and when the feeling of fainting trumped the feeling of motion sickness, I’d eat something beige and fibre-less before I could think too much about it. I filled my days with work, gym and seeing friends. A glass of wine or whiskey on an empty stomach after work with friends because life’s tough and this helps!

 

 

 

Looking back, the food issue has been around since I was a kid, but the drinking issue started much later. I was an insufferable and prudish goodie-two-shoes in high school and the start of university. Gradually I started to introduce drinking to my social routine from second year. Drinking on my own and to excess took some time to develop. I would particularly bookmark a period in 2019 as the turning point from which this development took ahold. September of 2018 I was sexually assaulted. It wasn’t the first time I had been abused or assaulted, but it was the worst one so far, or perhaps just the straw that broke the camel’s back. At first, like usual, I ignored it, didn’t talk about it, carried on with life. Soon after I threw all of my focus into studies and I did really well in my exams. I was studying law and 2019 was my final year, the most important in determining my future and so my stress levels were significantly higher than usual. There was a heavy foreboding that weighed down my thoughts thick like a fog, it started to coat every coping mechanism like a silicon that I needed wire-cutters to get through. It left me in the loneliest place. I knew that the next year would define my life, but I didn’t know how to control these bubbling emotions. There was no test I could pass, no one correct answer. I coasted like this for a while.

 

Then I had a criminal law lecture, without warning, the lecturer started to list off the legal definition of rape. It was formulaic, clinical, and this was the problem. I had found it so easy to run away from feelings and emotional processing. My control crutch had come in the form of logic and rationalisation. Now I was being challenged with something unexpected: my emotional state was meeting its maker, here clearly defined and rational, inescapable. I had a panic attack. I ran out of the lecture hall crying. The next few months were messy, I was forced to confront what had happened, and I did. I went to the police station, instigated a criminal case, spoke with my lecturer who became an incredible support and came with me to file my report. What I didn’t do is deal with the emotional detritus in a healthy way. I started going out with friends and drinking a lot, multiple times a week. I told myself I was finally letting go and being young and fun! When I didn’t go out I had terribly dark thoughts, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. My brain was a torture chamber I couldn’t break out of on my own. I started to self-medicate with over-the-counter pain medication and whiskey from the bottle. Just up to the point where my mind quietened down, not to the point of being tipsy or drunk. This felt fine, it didn’t feel all Hemingway-woe-is-me or threaten of alcoholism to me. No one knew, I don’t think, but I thought no one would bat an eye if they did. We all did this, no? Like most, I grew up with and around parents and role models who would say ‘ah what a long day, I need a glass of wine!’. How was what I was doing any different?

 

Since this time, I have actually had a lot of therapy, including CBT trauma therapy where I have faced my darkness and trauma and I am in a place where my mind is no longer the fearful and hateful place it was. Eventually the solo drinking mostly stopped. Aside from a night every so often when I was home alone and some bad and anxious thoughts wouldn’t stop. At which point a shot of any form of pure liquor and some painkillers would do, it was now a pretty insignificant and rare occurrence, but it happened. What didn’t change or stop was the drinking with friends and getting wasted.

 

This brings us to March 2023. I could no longer do it, I woke up every day crying, my stomach was empty and the nausea made me cry more. I am surprised to be so candid and admit that the only reason I finally made a change and put a stop to this was because, without warning, one day after work with friends, I had a sip of alcohol and it burned down my oesophagus. It felt like acid was climbing up my throat. I took another sip, worse. I had to go home. I tried again the next week and the same thing happened. I couldn’t even have a sip. I had an appointment with the GP. The conclusion he came to: you are stressed and perhaps on your period too, ‘stop drinking for a few weeks, you’ll be fine’. So I signed up for some entry-level NHS therapy course for stress and stopped drinking temporarily. The therapy really did not help, the nausea continued, the emotional agony and the issue with pain while drinking persisted while more gastrointestinal issues developed. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had been fantasising for a while, but this gave me the necessary push to quit my job and so I left, gave up my apartment in London and booked a one way ticket to Glasgow to visit my best friend.

 

I haven’t had a glass of alcohol since then. I tried various times to take a sip and was slapped back with the fiery burning and would have to go home and stuff some beige food down my throat to soothe it. A few months after London I went to a different GP in Glasgow, a woman, who immediately told me I had a stomach ulcer, confirmed this with blood tests and provided me with medication. It had now been 8 months of no drinking, not by choice but necessity. This is when I had a big realisation: I had been abusing alcohol. Not only this, but now that I had been forced to stop, my life had developed and changed in the most exceptional manner I could never have planned or predicted.

 

It’s now August 2024. What happened in between while I wasn’t drinking? I stayed in Scotland for 8 months. I fulfilled my long-suppressed childhood dream and became a full time artist without formal training through shear tenacity and luck, making enough money through art commissions to live off of. I let myself fall in love for the first time. I went through heartbreak and felt it like you’re supposed to. I got a job in the Netherlands and moved to Amsterdam. I now juggle a full time job with my increasingly successful art and social media career and incrediblyfulfilling friendships. I fell in love again, I am now busy facing it and dealing with it, again, like I am supposed to. I realise now, although I stopped drinking because of my health, the health issue was probably caused by the drinking and I did have a substance abuse issue with alcohol. I am sure there are multiple reasons for these significant life changes, but I truly believe I owe most of it to quitting alcohol. I have never felt prouder of myself, more capable, more reliable to myself, others and my work than I do now. I trust myself more than ever, the unpredictable factor of alcohol and drinking has been removed, and good riddance to it.

 

Now that you have the backstory, I am going to break down some questions and my findings under easy-to-digest subheadings.

 

Health & hangovers:

Without alcohol, I no longer have hangovers that interfere with my life, work, and overall health. I have noticed that I get sick a lot less, and if I get a cold, the recovery is much quicker and the cold itself less intense. Interestingly, I have discovered that a large part of a hangover is caused by lack of sleep, and that is still there, but the worst part of the hangover for me was the hangxiety, and that is gone entirely. I no longer have to cancel plans the next day because of a hangover or plan my life around the consequences of drinking, which I only realised recently, is something I used to do and something a lot of my friends still do now: ‘can we check back in tomorrow and I will confirm our plans depending on how bad my hangover is?’. Because of this, I am a more reliable person. I trust myself to wake up on time, to be prepared for anything at any moment.

My recovery time is much quicker, I can exercise sooner after a night out. My routine is less disrupted, or, even, not disrupted at all!

 

How to navigate social situations:

I must admit that I got lucky: a health issue is a great blanket excuse for not drinking, I don’t have to go into detail and tell people the darker, personal stuff. Something that I have really come to despise is that people who drink, even the nicest people, are very pushy and really want everyone around them to drink. None of my friends or peers do this with any other substance, it’s truly bizarre. Perhaps misery loves company indeed.

 

Something I never anticipated was how direct and confrontational people are when they realise you don’t drink. Without fail, every new person I meet in a social situation involving alcohol, asks me in bewilderment why I don’t drink. I have found myself thinking many times how hard this would be to have this conversation had I been an addict, or had I not had this health issue to upstage my issues with substance abuse. I don’t know what your reasons might be for not drinking, but I am here to tell you that this is always an accurate and truthful answer to give: ‘I don’t drink because of health reasons.’ and ‘No, I’d rather not get into it, it’s a whole boring story’. You don’t owe anyone your reasons or a good enough explanation - this one works fine. I have discovered that if I am not upfront and I am too vague, people will egg me on and nudge ‘oh, come on, just one drink! How about a shot.’ Shut it down. ‘I have health issues, but I am super fun without alcohol’. That is all you need. I have heard a lot of people say things like ‘you are so lucky, you are so confident, you don’t even need to drink! I thought you were drunk!’ Perhaps I am lucky, but I am not sure I agree that anyone needs alcohol to be confident, to have fun, to let loose. You will match the energy of those around you, it’s science, psychology, just trust me. Another thing is, no one checks what’s in your glass, this is another way to avoid the confrontation at a party or bar. Grab a lemonade or an alcohol-free Aperol spritz, even a sparkling water. It all looks the same as alcohol, no one will know and no one will check.

 

Of course sometimes it’s going to come up and you are going to have to address it directly and explain it to your present company, particularly in 1:1 scenarios and on  first dates. What you should know is that as uncomfortable as it is to explain yourself to someone, majority of the time when I have found myself in this position, the reaction has resoundingly been one of relief: ‘oh thank goodness, I actually really didn’t feel like drinking!’ I think we are all secretly hoping for an out of this cycle, I am delighted when I get to be the catalyst to give a friend or date a night off from drinking and for them to see how life is still fun sober.

 

Another thing that I used to find quite hard in the past when I didn’t feel like drinking, before the health issue kicked in: not ordering an alcoholic drink at dinner. I felt guilty, like I was being cheap. I am not sure if it’s because I worked in hospitality for over 10 years. I remember there was a sentiment of annoyance from me and fellow wait-staff that if an adult didn’t order an alcoholic drink, they were being tight. So naturally, I always felt guilty for not ordering alcohol as a customer. To this I would say: get over yourself, you can’t make everyone happy. Don’t drink alcohol at dinner just because you want the waiter to like you. Tip more at the end if you need to compensate to satisfy your people-pleasing tendencies.

 

Emotions, how this has changed:

As I explained in quite some detail above, I used drinking as a crutch. If there was conflict, strong emotions, some mental health challenges, you name it, I drank. But it felt like it was fine because everyone else was doing it too. I have found that my anxiety is now reduced in some ways and clearer in others. I realised that drinking created a different type of anxiety, it was a generalised one where I couldn’t quite pin-point what I was anxious about: was it everything? Was it something I said while I was drinking last night? Did I do something weird? Do I like myself? Am I a terrible person? Now, I still suffer with anxiety, I have an anxious disposition, I am certain I always will have, but I find the source of my anxiety at any given moment is very easy to diagnose and I can take targeted action accordingly.

 

Facing strong emotions is new to me. There are of course the remaining crutches and I am not sure I am ready to face them yet, but I am aware of them and I will tackle them, predominantly for me this looks like: keeping busy and productive, not addressing the cause of my nausea and skipping meals instead. However, without drinking, I am already forced to deal with a lot more emotions than I have ever had to as an adult. I have been going to therapy, and reading psychology books and intellectualising it, sure. But I have also been just sitting with emotions and feeling them. It can be so intense, but it always passes. My best friend told me something that really helped me with this: ‘a strong emotion only lasts 15 minutes, our brains don’t have the capacity to hold an emotion for longer than that’. Every time I feel a strong emotion, I look at the clock and think to myself: i’n 15 minutes I will no longer feel this way’. It has significantly changed how I face myself and my emotions.

 

Do you have an issue with alcohol?

This is probably controversial to say this, but I think if you have felt the urge to read this and to read so far and even consider this question, I think the answer is yes. Do I think this makes you a bad person, friend, family member, or employee? No. Do I think you should be ashamed? No. Do I think it’s too late for you to change this? Also no. Do I think you have to go so far as to get a diagnosis or label yourself? Not at all. You can of course do so as a box ticking exercise, and you should if necessary to make a safe change if you are concerned about your ability to handle this without help. For transparency, I haven’t done this, I have handled this particular issue alone. I don’t think there is a right way or a one size fits all way to do this.

 

How to stay sober?

While this started out from a place of necessity, it has continued because of how much my life has improved without alcohol. Looking back at it now, centralising alcohol in my life and its effects feels pretty similar to running through water, punching someone in a dream, going down an up escalator. It’s unnecessary and harder than it needs to be. Of course, sometimes knowing that life is better this way is not quite enough to stay on track. I find that small things and changes make sticking with this decision easier. When I am out or at home I buy drinks that are fun and exciting. A new flavour of ice tea, a kombucha at a restaurant while my friends split a bottle of wine. I ask the waiter to put it in a wine glass. There are fun ways to do this that make you feel less ‘different’. I plan activities with friends that don’t centre around alcohol. We go for runs together, we go to yoga classes or sit in a park, we cook dinner together, go to the movies. I still go out, and I have so much fun, and I am so much fun! I still hook up with people, and it turns out I don’t need alcohol to do it! I am privileged enough to be able to go to therapy to deal with my underlying issues that caused me to become so reliant on alcohol. I know that this is a privilege that not everyone can afford or have access to. There are free resources online that you can use to guide you with at home CBT therapy, google is your friend. Journal. Make art about it. Seek out other people going through this too. Find something that allows you to face your emotions instead of something like alcohol that allows you to drown them out.

 

Some days I have that habitual impulse: ‘oh, a drink to take the edge off would be great right now.’ I listen to that thought and I go through other options that would have a similar effect. I have found the following just as helpful:

going for a walk, calling someone, making good and nutritious food for myself, calling someone.

 

Other unexpected benefits:

• Life is so much cheaper! My monthly spending is significantly lower since I stopped drinking. I was easily spending £200 a month on drinks in London. An average of £10 per drink = 20 drinks.
• People still think I am drunk when I go out partying. It turns out I am the fun one, not the alcohol - and I am pretty sure this is the case for you too!
• I have far less shame and regret over my own actions. I didn’t realise how the effects of alcohol hang over you in the proceeding days after binge-drinking.
• I am more creative and have greater clarity of mind, I can think much quicker than I used to.
• I still don’t sleep amazingly, but I sleep better.
• I am more productive than ever, and feel like I can really achieve so much more than I ever realised.

I am by no means perfect and I have a lot more work to do. My experience may not resonate with you, and I hope it doesn’t. But on the off-chance it does, I hope this helps.